Voices in My Head






Everybody listen | Voices in my head...


I became an Alice in Chains fan upon hearing  "No Excuses" on the radio. It is one of my great favorites, not only from that band but any other.  Upon hearing it on the radio,  I immediately pulled over into a parking lot to listen without driving and so that I could make note of the artist. I never did that before, and I've never done it again (okay, once for a classical piece!).   I was hooked.  Still am.  People ask me what type of music I like.  I love classical music, and I love Alice in Chains.  Given my 'conservative' profession, I always get a surprised look when I mention AIC.  Not a reproachful surprise, but a "hey, that's cool" surprise.

Over the weekend while working on year end stuff, I purchased the new album (MP3), The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here, clapped on headphones (my Beats that I bought at a crazy-low price as they were refurbished.  I don't know...they came in a new box, looked new, sound great (but I'm no head phone aficionado)).  So I listened many times through the album while working on my 'stuff'.  I typically work with quiet, as my work requires extreme concentration (or at least I need concentration to work--so perhaps it is just my odd proclivity).  

This was a new work mode for me, and I found that I could concentrate quite well (at least on most tasks, and where not, threw the headphones off), and that moving through the work was quite pleasurable.

I'm not much of a follower of any, and this band was no exception to that.  While I enjoyed the band's music, I was pretty much oblivious to any of the personal backdrop except to how it was expressed in their music.  I'm pretty sure that when Layne Staley died in 2002, it didn't register with me. BWMS (Busy working mom syndrome).

Taking a break from work, I did some internet research to fill in the blanks. In reading the various articles, I was struck by the deep humanity of these guys:  expressed in their commitment to each other through things most of us could never imagine; and the authenticity of their music, which didn't die with Staley.

And the voices in their collective heads are rooted in some very private and painful places.  Hard experience expressed through brutal honesty is the signature key of their music. The music resonates because hard experience is something that many of us share.  While the nature of the experience may be different, the vibrations of that experience in our being strike a similar chord.

Their music, to my ear, is a surprising mix of  heavy and light, consonant and dissonant, a surprising key, or an unexpected change in tempo.  They make their music; not that of another.  And they continue to do that amidst the swirl of unabated carping from so many (still after so many years) that the band is not the same since Layne is gone.  They seem to address these endless questions with a quiet dignity and accord a respect to those who feel that way that is nothing short of magnanimous. 


The bumps and struggles of life demand that we pass through transitions preserving the core of who we are.  I found the story of Alice In Chains' as the band, and as individual members of that band, to be a powerful metaphor of transitioning from old circumstances to new circumstances, and doing it with authenticity, courage and grace. And that ultimately, to be saved from ourselves by those around us who love and care for us,  demands that we cooperate and participate. Otherwise, there is no saving to be had; just enduring life until it is extinguished by whatever means.
  
I applaud their honoring the old, embracing the new and their sharing the voices in their heads with us.   If you've never seen their MTV Unplugged show, it is worth your time.  You can find it here. And if you like the music (theirs or another's), buy some and support your favorite artists.


Merry Christmas!

Here is the result of my seemingly good idea of cooking my standing rib roasts on my grill. 

I didn't think that there was any danger of fire as I had firebrick on top the grates.

I put $140 of meat on the grill and changed my clothes.  Thank goodness I didn't dawdle.  Coming downstairs and looking out the door I could see flames rolling out the back.  Calls for help from the men folk went unanswered.  I checked the garage.  Nothing.  Called out the front door.  Nothing.   I think that they migrated from one space to the other--each time out of earshot.

I turned off the gas, rolled the grill away from the house.  Looked frantically for my kosher salt.  Didn't find it.  Did find about 2.5 lbs left of my 5 lb baking soda bag in the laundry room.  After grabbing a mitt and flinging the grill top up to have flames charge out, I flung scoops of baking soda over my charring roasts. The fire quickly abated.

The meat was in minutes of being ruined. Dust off baking soda.  Into the oven.  But I was definitely shaken.  Our 6 p.m. dinner was about an 1.5 hours later.  We had wine, beer, appetizers and good company.  Plus it gave my daughter more time to spend at her in-laws. I watched degree by degree from 50 to 125 for the roast  Dinner was later than planned, but delicious.

I have a fire extinguisher, but I didn't get my hands on it.  I need to recharge my baking soda supply.  It dispatches a fire quickly. 

That's my Christmas safety message:  Have a 5lb bag of baking soda handy at all times.  Good for a chimney fire too.

Had I not had that soda, I'm not really sure what would have happened.  Nothing good--at least for the meat.  House was safe.  Had the meat burned up, we would have still been fine.  It would have been installment 2 of failed main meat dishes--the first being when I stuffed my refrigerator too full and temp did not maintain during a Thanksgiving foraging mission.  When I opened the fresh turkey, it smelled like it had been baking on a pavement for several days.

There was ham at least, not from Mark's lack of effort to finding a fresh bird on T-G day.  None to be had.  I have a bit more perspective than he does at time.  One side-dish (among our many) is more than many have to share for a dinner.  I try not not to lose sight of our many blessings.

Tis the season to be mindful of ours and share generously with others.




A Clichéd LIfe


Tick Tock time for Christmas!

For some.

Not us.

I do have a Christmas Eve dinner to prepare.  My first.  Thanksgiving has been my purview, my get out of jail free card for all-things Christmas.  I was a guest, unfettered by the responsibilities of doing anything but showing up on time with a smile on my face and an empty belly ready to be filled.

My mother, long passed some 24 years now, always had Christmas Eve dinner and all of the other festive dinners until (1)  I co-opted T-G to allow both she and my MIL to enjoy being a guest at the table rather than slaving away to fill the table and (2) she died.  My father re-married, and my wonderful stepmom has a strong, German, Christmas Eve tradition of cooking a wonderful dinner.  With knee-surgery just a few weeks ago, this was not a possibility for her this year.

Rather than forgo Christmas Eve dinner for myself and deprive my beloved stepmom of this important meal, I gladly raised my hand.  I had thought for a moment that I would offer to cook at her home (the home that I grew up in); but that thought was fleeting.  So there will be ten of us on Christmas Eve. Sans, my M/FIL who feel that they are at a point in their lives where attending such events is more than they can handle.  These are choices to be respected, and choices that will be ours in the years ahead should we live so long.

I'm in unfamiliar territory here, not tethered by any traditional dishes that I would typically make.  With my proclivities for imagining all of the possibilities, it is harder for me to narrow down the choices than cooked the damn meal. 

At tick-tock, t-minus 3 days, its time to shop for food and not stroll through recipes. 

Spinach stuffed tenderloin.  Pear, walnut salad with bleu cheese and some sort of raspberry vinaigrette or maybe that lovely pan seared scallops with pear vinaigrette?...geez.  Scalloped potatoes--the wonderful kind sliced paper thin, simmered in cream infused with garlic and rosemary and then placed in a casserole dish.

Dessert must be chocolate.  I think the maple pecan chocolate tart.  Slightly warm with ice cream or maybe a 4 layer chocolate cake with milk chocolate, frosting.  I'm still considering possibilities.  I rely on my 'gut' to tell me when I finally have it right. 

Gifts?

None.  Well, there was an indulgence:  What better Christmas gift than to have Mexican lunch and then go to Marshall's and shop for a 3rd grader who needed socks and underwear and maybe some Leggos.  Yet another indulgence....give a shelter pet the gift of food, toys, medicine.  I try to help others all year long.  Life is burdensome for many. If I can carry help ease the weight of life from the shoulder's of another who is struggling, that is my gift to me.

I'm working on doing good work without the satisfaction sidecar.  I understand that receiving satisfaction for doing good works isn't selfless. Writing about it worse, as I've done here.  But writing about it gives me no satisfaction.  I don't care that you know what I've done; I care that you think about how you might do. I'm at the point in my life that to ask for any gifts is an abomination.  How can I ask for something when basic things go wanting for so many?

My daughter (teacher, tough socio-economic student profile) says her kids get crazy  toward the end of the month.  That is when the money runs out and food gets scarce in the households for the children that she serves.  What a stupid luxury I have to worry about my menu.  For those that feel that they need to offer their social commentary, I say resoundingly, "Stuff it!".  A child's belly or general safety should never be the consequence of the familial choices. How easy it is to wash our collective hands of these fates on account of the thing that sets us apart from most other life forms:  our uncanny ability to rationalize our response to any situation in a way that confirms the righteousness of our reasoning.

Too often we understand the words, but mistake the true meaning.  Deeds, not words/thoughts, define us. What we 'believe' matters not a wit. What we 'do' is everything--"Actions speak louder than words" are five words that should define our daily assessment of the efficaciousness of our daily choices.  It's far easier to write and talk about what we 'should' do; harder still to 'practice what we preach'.  If we were to live a life of  clichés, these two would be two worth adopting. I strive to live a life centered on these two clichés.

But I cook and have people at my table to forge the bonds of our family that will help our facing the challenges that we will face.  Elderly parents who are facing health struggles.  Young people, finding their way in this world.  The hearth and table are primal.  Shelter, warmth and food.  That's the three legged stool of our survival in the winter. The cook, the original necromancer making nourishment from whatever was available, providing the lubrication of life:  food.

If we are to understand anything from this holiday is that the three legged stool is made more stable with hope.  Each of us can embody the hope that another prays for.  That is the example of Jesus.

And while Christmas is a religious holiday for many.  It is not for me.  It is, though a reminder, of the example of Christ.  I don't need to believe this or that about Jesus.  Whether he was the son of God or not matters not a whit to me.  That he provides for me an example of how I might live my life everyday is power enough.  For any who think that I should 'believe' a certain way I reserve my very best Bill-the-cat retort.  (You may choose Aack! or PFFFFFT!). 

I choose to live the clichéd life with Bill the Cat who unabashedly reminds us that the weight of societal judgment gets in the way of good works.